The alarm clock is unforgiving. Also for me, that’s how it is. It tears you from a night full of fancy dreams, full of crazy ones, full of … messy ones. There are those days…
Often, when I wake up, I don’t quite know what my dreams were about. Sometimes, when I did something special that day, wrote a lot of code or had an almost-olympic-medal-worthy amount of screentime, these images sneak into my dreams, too.
The other night, I dreamt of a fridge full of expired food, of memories I never had,
of failure running through my fingers, a failure I never experienced in daily life.
At first, I was afraid about what this was telling me.
Am I losing my mind? Am I losing control of my life?
Then, I leaned back and tried a different point of view.
I can see it in my daily life that I am quite organized.
There are those days, too, of course, when I don’t feel like doing anything.
Rainy days, thunderstorms yelling at me.
A few years ago, these days were more frequent.
However, most of the times, you can find me such as sitting on a bench, my hands on something else, and if you asked me, I’d tell you quickly what I recently was doing on GitHub without even opening the app, or recall the name of an author whose post or note I read the other day here on Substack. A broken link I sent to a friend? Well, I still remember where I got it from and got it fixed.
However, sometimes, also I am full of doubts and pondering endlessly.
Month by month, day by day, I learned better to step out of the trap, not to believe all of the crap my rejection-trained brain is so very used to.
So I got dressed, rewatching the dream I had in a nutshell, focusing on the verbs and roles to describe things I had seen. I came to the conclusion that, in fact, I was tidying up a mess someone else had left there. I scanned and sorted by best-before dates like commit messages or email, fast and neatly, putting things aside to find yet another piece of … to then wake up, probably escaping the worst part of the film. The radio was pleasing me unwittingly, playing “Supergirl” by Reamonn, which I know so well.
Anyway, when I woke up last Friday, the dawn told me something. Not much time to ask what I’ve done, only what the day would bring. What I had on my to-do list was something nice I had decided weeks ago to be there for.
It often helps to set an anchor in the near future, a lifebuoy to swim to.
It was time to go playing cards, surely accompanied by some free coffee and cake or snacks while we share the table. (My turn to offer some next time, too, then.)
Thus, I went out, resisting the call of my sofa to just have some naps.
Life just won’t wait — and knowing this can make you stronger.
Over time, you get stronger than you might know you could be.
Thankful for my app to assist me in taking the sum of the points.
It still did, even though I found a bug.
Well, I like to find bugs actually as, after all, it’s the only way to fix them.
And where’s a bug, there’s a workaround.
The quiet hum
The curtains let the morning in.
The fog is thick, fresh air comes in.
Been busy, while the others sleep,
But I’ve got promises to keep,
My tired eyes just drift away,
My lights go on, as every day…
The bathroom tiles stare back at me
I feel as tired as I could be,
Still time to change my mind and stay?
All said and done, go anyway.
I close my eyes to imagine
Them sitting together, waiting,
listening to the news, debating,
looking at an empty chair
getting nowhere without me —
how could I dare?
I stretch myself, I can bear
with it, will manage…
just a bit…
The door changes the air.
I sneak out, take a few steps
through a dark hallway
breathing in, then exhaling,
running to reach for the bus
that almost didn’t wait
for me, the lucky one,
the strong one,
the one who refused to
absquatulate again
like the unhinged version
would have a few
years ago,
not now…
The bus makes a bow
for me —
the only one stepping in,
taking a random seat
below glowing USB plugs left empty,
enjoying the quiet hum
of electric engines —
a mindful minute
on my own,
avoiding help,
showing up as strong
even to me, myself and I…
while the little car
is still in its parking lot,
surrounded by shadowing shrubs,
taking a shortcut later on
without me…
Exchanging stories
of places nearby, left almost orderly,
of places far away, escaped before thunder
of … places to go to, hoping for best
under palms on a sunny seaside
while the streets stay clean
she’ll be okay…
hope filling the air…
mixed feelings
like mixing cards
like we always did,
didn’t we?
Wasn’t there
almost subconsciously
a quiet hum of my phone?
While I add up my card points,
I dare to unzip where
I tucked it in
smiling,
some textbox is
smiling back at me
even better than coffee…
Coming home late
forgetting my duty
for a while
waking up next day
I can do it all then
anyway,
but first
sleep, do it all again
tomorrow,
not now…
Another day
A Saturday, another coffee,
Makes the sofa look less stuffy,
I check the messages I’ve got,
It’s Saturday, I’ve got a lot,
The coffee warms me on my way,
I sit and watch, I’m here to stay…
The morning ends, I think about…
my phone rings, knows what it brings
me down to, pulls
me back on solid ground
to pay an invoice I had found
to discharge my duty
till all things done,
then I am, too…
tired, breaking…
but holding on
just one more time…
Productive Sunday
It’s Sunday, I’m tired
Not tired from short nights
More tired of consumption
Need to create
Need something easy…
Need to … bugfix!
So I sit down,
watching the sunset
sneaking around my balcony door —
listening to
the quiet hum of my fan,
steadying my thoughts of
cutting and mending,
adjusting colours,
haptic feedback…
I can’t wait to… test for real…
Slowly drifting thoughts of
Story points, issues closed,
Answering questions posed,
Stories without ending…
cutting and mending,
transitions added,
compiling, uploading…
Tests… working…
A popup says ‘photo‘
A message chime from the background
Curiosity rising
Thoughts like a distant hug
Reaching my sofa on a
Sunny afternoon break
Green, soft and light
Like the feathers of
Branches of yews
Always green
Green as the hills of southern area
Ahead of time…
Best way to start a Friday!
It's amazing 💛💛💛