On Monday, I was writing. Okay, that’s normal. This time, however, I didn’t write a post first — but some code. Yay!
Some honest words here:
It used to be not normal to write code at all on tough days, when there is sunshine and a storm at the very same time. When writing applications feels hard as every minute a door might open and take away my carefully chosen words.
These days, often enough, all I wished was adding a voiceover to each post of mine … but either the door does its thing or my throat hurts from yelling so I just … cannot.
At least, syntax doesn’t have a voice.
When I’m only doing something for myself by stealing away time somewhere else … from endless people pleasing.
This is my situation and there I am, this morning, I was hoping it’ll not eat me up alive or anything … while now at the end of Thursday, I’m just tired. There is reading. Life (the better things about it). There could be music — but some days, my ears are just too tired to listen to that, too.
However, creative minds should not give up anyway! They won’t!
On Monday afternoon, however, the storm made a pause. A short one, but I took it. It’s … like in April. Gotta take it as it is …
Still here? Take a few slow breaths first. Maybe like this: Four seconds in, six seconds out. Look at something nice or ordinary right in front of you. The coffee cup, or a tree. This often fixed me a bit.
Back on track? Okay!
The amazing thing was: I had (or better, wanted) to find out how some third-party tool works, a necessary detail of which was not well documented.
Unlike my habit at work years ago, there was no such way of asking more experienced developers as known as teammates by texting on Teams or Discord … there is still AI, of course, but I knew I would make it without it.
So here is a little poem about how I went along. (No worries, any tech language is mere decoration.)
Lunch is finished,
the table is empty now.
Radio sound is comforting.
The yoghurt tasted like the weather.
Sunny and mild.
Yesterday‘s heat finally got
washed away.
I saw the rainbow
softly connecting trees
from behind.
Now the sky is deep blue
with clouds like sheep,
drifting by
just as the thoughts
in my mind.
Refreshing fruits
I had bought the other day.
Some nuts.
Coffee? Not yet —
First something useful.
I sit down
at my old desk.
The warm orange fabric
of my sunshade
makes me think
of a little holiday
I should not pay for.
Not much, at least.
My nerves demand less,
and dreaming
is still free —
no matter
where life gets.
Dreaming? Music? Both.
Later maybe,
I could afford a ride
with my bicycle
in the evening
to the pool.
The laptop hums
peacefully,
waiting
for me to open
one of my projects
to work on.
A text catches my attention
where an image
should have appeared —
this one is easy though.
Without debugging first,
I know why.
My eyes,
done with tears
made by hurting words
without any wisdom,
my brain,
done with years
of searching and running,
never truly arriving,
stumbling,
hypervigilantly
avoiding mistakes —
noticing many details,
then rushing miles past
what really matters —
Now it can
step quickly
out of a loop with
a creative idea or
a mindful pause,
now it leads the way,
knowing
where and how
to look at a Typescript file
in a codebase I never saw.
Too used to
leaving a question
almost unanswered
while words felt
too high
to admit first …
Now it can even solve
unseen problems
by heuristic methods,
also finding the language
to explain
what happened.
My oldfashioned
belief in self doubts,
refusal
grown as a habit,
pulled together like
a frazzled jacket
that never really
should have been told
»it fits you«
in the first place …
That old belief
was squashed, rebased —
almost erased
by a few outstanding commits
by another repository.
My heart,
trained to listen first
to what really matters,
supporting calmly,
staying strong,
does not
even consider
accelerating too much
or skipping a beat —
why getting nervous
about such a tiny question.
Not because of boredom —
not quite actually —
only as my breath
takes away
the last air
of self doubt,
flattening
my moves of hands,
keeping me focused
where hurrying the old way
would only
make me tremble.
The bug? Fixed, of course.
Not always. That’s okay!
Lessons in life
Like a fast train ride that doesn’t make us feel the speed, work does not require overzealous torture to be efficient and correct at a first attempt. Rather the opposite. Calm is also a way to make us appear more serious!
If you don’t relate, that’s fine — it’s very much about me, how I grew up, trying to push forward even in free time, too, avoiding mistakes, running like a microprocessor with a legacy code which used to attach a question to every move which could become a viewed result now or later — this is how I used to feel until … I started to change.
If you do, however, just let me know!
First time I had a little lesson in this was in my mid-20s.
To let it stick, to apply it to new areas of life and work, too, used to feel impossible.
Brilliant!! And I relate